A Retreat to Remember

   Silence is god's first language. Everything else is a poor translation. – Thomas Keating

                    Three day- retreat feels like a three months for me. It's a three-month rest, relaxation and reflection. Indeed October 26-28, 2012 is one of my best days. Literally, it satisfies my hunger physically, emotionally and spiritually.

                   St. Paul Center for Renewal is a paradise in the heart of Alfonso, Cavite. Managed by the Sisters of St. Paul, the place is really a haven of renewal where you will feel you are reborn. It is a beautiful place ,like what classic description says, "In the morning, birds are chirping, insects are singing, the sun is smiling, the wind is whistling and the flowers are dancing with the wind, where you will forget your soul and fuse yourself with nature." Almost all of words synonymous to the word beautiful can be used. The aura is heavenly. It is really peaceful.

The Chapel.

Our haven during nights – Yellow House and Green House.

The room 202 where I slept peacefully.

Furthermore, a retreat is not a retreat recognising the place. God sent us Fr. Michael Laguardia as our retreat facilitator.

Day 1: Don't be puzzled. By seeking His Face, you can seek yourself.

I am blinded by the city. City is nothing but a place of busy people looking and craving for money, power and other luxurious things.  Yet, city makes you a hard-working person but as we are living in busy days, hard working without heart becomes a cataract that blurs our genuine vision. On my case, the cataract in my vision grows slowly. Honestly, thinking all of the responsibilities I have to do, I am really exhausted. It is the end of the first sem and I am expecting a vacation yet I have to be with my colleagues on a retreat. At first it's all a negativity in my mind. Do I have to do this? I need vacation. I need a break. I need a time to unwind myself. Yet, I am surprised by God's way. He really gave me what I needed.

                   I remember what Fr. Mike had told us. Once, there was a chinese photographer who was very curious about what do christianity has that some of his fellow men were enticed to be baptized as catholic. To know it, he read bible and other books about christianity. He was almost amazed and nearly believed on God's teachings except that he is skeptic of who God is. He said, if God will show to him, he will believe and be baptized as a catholic. Surprisingly, while driving in a car, he heard a voice from within saying he must step out of the car and take a picture. Being a photographer, he knows when and when not to take a picture. The sorrounding is full of snow.There is nothing to shot. It will not give him a good scene. Since he can't resist the voice, he brought his camera and took a snapshot. When he arrived home, he hurriedly went to the dark room. To his suprise a mystical figure was caught.

After hearing this story, I nearly cried. I am like the photographer. I am always asking signs from God. If I don't see signs, I wont believe. I am really a big stupid. I don't know that God is always with me the day I was born. I remember, there were times which I nearly gave up. I don't want to teach anymore. I dont want to live anymore. I wanted to lie on my bed and wait for my end. What really is God's plan for me? Who am I now? Am I a loser? Life gives me so much burden. It makes me weak.  But in fact, my problems are just a pinch from the problems of other people. Upon realizing this, I felt guilty. I am sorry that I hurt God from the thinking that He left me. I doubted His presence. I doubted His love. I doubted everything He gave. From that moment, I really realized that God loves me so much. He had given me so much blessings yet I still don't recognize it.. He is really amazing. He has beautiful ways of showing Himself. From His words, I already knew myself, my purpose and my direction. I thank God for being my lighthouse. I thank You Lord for helping me brought back the pieces in my life's puzzle. Whithout You, I can't see the picture of my life, I wont see the meaning of my existence, I wont know the road for righteousness. I will make You the center of my life. In everything I do, I ust see to it that it is for Your glory and for the people You love. From this time, I recollect myself, and refind my God. Sa Filipino, ang aking kaligayahan ay siksik, liglig at umaapaw.

I just want to share this beautiful prayer that Fr. Mike had given to us during the Day 1:

O Lord, my God,

Teach me where and how to seek You, where and how to find You..

You are my God and You are my Lord, and i have never seen You.

You made and remade me, and bestowed on me all the good things I possess,

And still, I do not know you.

Teacch me how to seek You..for I cant seek You unless You teach me.

Or find You unless you show Yourself to me.

Let me seek You in my desire, let me desire You in my seeking.

Let me find you by loving You, let me love You when I find You. 

--St. Anselm of Canterbury

Today, I seek His face. I felt an inexplainable hapiness knowing that He is everywhere.

Day 2:  God's Love, God's call.

"Do not be afraid I am with you."

I am weak. I admit that. Knowing my weaknessess, I limit myself. I'm not doing it this because I dont know, I am not doing that because I am weak at that point. This may be the reason why I push myself into a dangerous comfort zone. Sometimes, I just sit down and does nothing. I became unproductive and my talents and skills are like knife filled with rust.Oftentimes, I am afraid of the future. I am afraid of change. That's why I never develop. I just keep things to myself, I do not grow. Not doing something despite of being aware of your weakness makes you futile. Futility makes you curse your existence. Comfort zones becomes danger zone. This may makes you think your life is a mess.

However, Fr. Mike said, God's favorite lines are 'Do not be afraid'. God mentioned these words 365 times in the bible. This means, you must live everyday of not being afraid of something. God is with us. He will never leave us.

"Do not be afraid". This really struck me. Almost everyone knew I am timid and reserved. I do not talk a lot because I am afraid to be criticized by my ideas. I am quiet because I am afraidd to be judged by my actions. I do not show my love for God in public because I am afraid they will laugh at me. I lie because I am afraid they will taunt me. I am afraid of doing things because I am afraid. In short, I realized I am a self-centered, narcist selfish person. I am beyond being timid. And I am not proud of that and it hurts my soul. I am afraid because I am selfish. Because of my selfishness, I things which hurts God.

God calls me this way. God made me a teacher. Yet, I am too afraid to do the right thing. God knew how much I loved teaching, He know how many night did I dream to become a teacher, how much tears and sweat I have offered just to become a teacher. But because of my weakness, being shy and reserved on the surface and selfish within, I feel empty and not happy. Fr. Mike told us, being in the teaching profession is because of one of the 4C's ( Coincidence, coersion, choice, I dont remember the other C but it's related to the influence of people). I know I am on the "CHOICE". 

Fr. Mike also told us the C's when to quit teaching – cooling off, conflict, contradictions..etc (i dont remember the others because i dont like to remember it.) I almost felt the 'cooling off'. But because of God, because of His gift, this retreat, a fire lightens and heatens up my desire on teaching. I must be "COMMITTED" to this profession, I must submit myself to this profession.

Like what Fr. Mike told us, we must be a "pig", not a rabbit who does not contribute something of the profession, nor a chicken who works with condition. Like God, who gave me unconditional love, I must unconditionally offer my life as a teacher, as a daughter, as a friend, as a neigbor, as a future mother. As quoted, 'Love is the willingness to offer one's life for one's beloved. God knows how much I love Him, how much I love my family, how much I love teaching. Hindi ako susuko dahil tinawag ako ng Diyos. This is my calling. God gives His effort to call me so I will respond to his call. I will do my best to be what He wants me to be. I submit my life to God. I will not be afraid of what's ahead me. I will not be afraid of whta would others say. God is my master, not them. As a child of God, I will try my best to make others experience His love. I will make my talents as an intrument of God's love. I will use my skills and my profession, with the blessings God has bestowed upon me. I wont be afraid.

(Fr. Mike's words, my confession and encounter with God are amazingly connected. God is really amazing!

Day 2 is an encounter with God through nature. Nature sang romantic songs during my date with God.)

Day 3:  Life begins with ending.

Fr. Mike told us, "They most challenging part of the retreat is the days after tomorrow". I am startled. Oh no. I dont want feel God only for three days. I am afraid it won't last long. But because of the gifts I have received on this three-day retreat, I am wishing...no, I am hoping...no... I am sure, with God's presence in my life, I can do things for His glory. I am sure, that the things I have learned and gained from this retreat will last forever. And as long as I believe, there is nothing impossible. This end, is not another "BSDU- Balik sa dating Ugali'. In times that I am worrying, according to Fr. Mike's homily during the mass, you must not "kapit sa patalim' but "kapit sa Panginoon". It's a sigh. It's a gracious feeling. It's a wonderful experience to be with God. What more do I have to ask for? Andito lang sa puso ko ang Diyos, kakalma na ako. Lord, alam kong mahal na mahal mo ako at hinding-hindi mo ako pababayaan. I feel blessed. So blessed. That is why, I made a personal credo and a personal intergrity plan, which will remind me that I am God's child, I will do my duty and promise to offer my life for it.

My Personal Credo

(when I was writing it, words just flow. But when I am reading it on front of the altar where God is listening to me, tear just flowed. How amazing!)

An architect designs building,

But I help design millions of lives.

A doctor heals sick people

But I heal millions pf broken hearts..and souls.

An engineer builds tower

But I build millions of hope.

A painter paints beautiful pictures

But I paint smiles and glowing hearts.

......

I thank God for this experience. I thank His people who made this experience as wirth remembering. This moment, and the mass I have experiences are one of the best in my life. I have talked to God seriously and intensedly as long as three days. I have went near him. I have hold him that long. What more could I ask for? I am really loved by You J.